3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
