Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
