Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
