mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
