Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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