Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
