We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
