Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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