I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
