Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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