His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange