I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody