...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
