i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
