Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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