You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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