I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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