If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
