Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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