Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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