Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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