Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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