There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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