Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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