I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
