first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
