The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
