How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
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From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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