your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude i'm inner monologue high
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
