I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
