Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
