Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
