M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
