So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
