I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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