Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
