you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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