Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
