I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
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Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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