i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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