I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
