im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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