i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
