I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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