It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
