I am puke
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
