I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
