just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
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i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
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Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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