Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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