he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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