Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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