I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
