When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
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It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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