good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
