My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
