no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
